We live in a culture where there are various schools of thought that downplay the significance and importance of marriage. There is a popular way of thinking that goes: ‘Live for yourself! Do what makes you feel good! If it doesn’t work for you, give it up!’ As a result of this way of thinking, many young people are not interested in marriage, for a number of reasons. Examples of successful marriages are rarely seen these days. Furthermore, many children witness the breakdown of their parents’ marriage whilst growing up and feel the absence of joy and serenity in the home. Unfortunately, the framework of traditional marriage has been viewed as a battleground, full of pain and suffocating conflict.
The emergence of a self-centred mindset amongst people living in today’s consumer society has changed the way people relate to one another and live within marriage. In Christianity, however, relationships are based on self-sacrifice and forgiveness. Marriage is seen as an arena in which this sacrificial love is practised, a place where forgiveness is experienced, and a sanctuary for inner healing, leading to the joy of life, ‘the joy of salvation’ (Psalm 50). In a marriage between two devout Christians, a man and a woman, God shares His divine grace to heal each partner’s inner wounds. This is experienced as both partners progress in their spiritual life towards the Paschal mystery of joy.
Many books offer solutions to the problems that arise between husband and wife and how they can overcome them. However, we need to know how to cultivate the right mindset, one that will help us enter into marriage and establish a family home firmly built on the rock of faith, unshaken by life’s various trials. Here, we turn to the writings of the Great Father of Pastoral Care, Saint John Chrysostom. The words of wisdom from Saint John Chrysostom guide Christians every day and in every age.
Saint John Chrysostom did not write in a systematic manner, as the bulk of his teaching was delivered in the form of sermons during worship services. Thus, this study analyses his words and derives from them three fundamental principles upon which Christians should build their family life. A synthesis of his writings offers three keys to a successful marriage: temperance, consolation and participation. By setting out these keys, this work seeks to show how Christians are called to enter into marriage and to experience this sacrament today.
Temperance
Following the Fall, Adam and Eve struggled with pain and suffering, which led to spiritual anguish and physical death. In the context of this post-fall reality, God, in His immeasurable love for creation, fashioned marriage, endowing it with the potential and power to be a path to redemption, a path to the Kingdom. St John Chrysostom believes that marriage is intended for both wife and husband, as a refuge from temptation and a healing balm (φάρμακον)1. Marriage, as described by Saint John Chrysostom, is an ointment of holiness, honour, dignity and respect 2.
St John Chrysostom explains that God, through His loving kindness, has established the husband-wife relationship in such a way as to unite them and thus contribute to their path to salvation, through the woman’s desire for the man and the man’s responsibility to protect her. Consequently, the wife is given to the husband as a remedy from God for his rebellious nature and for his comfort and fellowship. She is for her husband ‘the harbour and the greatest healing talisman [Λιμήν εστίν η γυνή και φάρμακον ευθυμίας μέγιστον]’3 In this marriage blessed by God, the woman soothes her husband’s passions and brings him into the harbour of peace. In this sense, marriage is offered as a remedy against falling into sexual immorality, and thus into sin. Saint John Chrysostom highlights this by referring to Saint Paul the Apostle (1 Corinthians 7:2): ‘So that we may avoid fornication, control our desires, practise chastity and be pleasing to God, being content with our own wife: this is the gift of marriage, this is its fruit, this is its benefit’4 What is the essential spirit that steers the ship of marriage towards this harbour of peace? St John Chrysostom shows that, by practising the spirit of temperance (σωφροσύνη) in marriage, married life becomes a place of healing for the weaknesses of the body and the soul.
St John Chrysostom shows that, by practising the spirit of temperance in marriage, married life becomes a place of healing for the weaknesses of the body and the soul.
The fractured and hypersensitive relationship between husband and wife following the Fall ought to be governed by self-restraint; otherwise the ‘fire of the flesh’ and unbridled lust lead to the destruction of self-control (σωφροσύνη) and the breakdown of marriages. ‘Use marriage wisely and you will be the first in the Kingdom and will enjoy all its blessings’5). Thus, through self-control, husband and wife regain their original gift of exercising authority and control over their thoughts, bodies and actions. He clarifies by saying: ‘You have no idea what you’re doing! You marry your wife for the sake of procreation and the temperance of life’6
How does this prudence apply, particularly in the context of the spouses’ physical intimacy? On the one hand, ‘to desire much is impure, for this stems from a greedy and insatiable disposition’7 as Saint John Chrysostom emphasises. On the other hand, referring to the words of Saint Paul the Apostle in 1 Corinthians 7:5: ‘Do not deprive one another except by mutual consent, for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”, St John Chrysostom warns of another pitfall: the pastoral problem that some women, out of piety, distance themselves from their husbands and thereby drive them to adultery and despair 8. “Great evils spring from this kind of abstinence. For adultery, fornication and the ruin of families have often sprung from this. For if men who have wives commit fornication, how much more so if you deprive them of this comfort”9. St John calls on both husband and wife to be vigilant in this regard, so as to preserve their relationship in peace and harmony. The value of a moderate form of self-restraint is lost when peace is disturbed.
As a spiritual aspect of the Christian life, all bodily desires, longings and emotions—and not just those of a sexual nature—must be controlled and transformed. This is achieved through the practice of self-restraint (σωφροσύνη), which means abstinence, self-control or, in essence, having a healthy and balanced way of thinking 10.
In fact, marriage is a training ground, making every married couple temperate and free from all bondage, concerned with mastering and transforming their desires 11. It is not a matter of having passionate desires (ἐπιθυμίαις) and depriving oneself of sensation or desire, but, in fact, of directing desire through self-control. It is not just about physical cravings, but about all kinds of desires. Here, the example of the periods of fasting in the Orthodox Church’s annual liturgical cycle serves as an illustration of training the human will and choices to be governed by the divine will (‘Thy will be done’ from the Lord’s Prayer), rather than being self-controlled. Ultimately, it is only possible to attain this form of complete self-control (ἐνκράτεια) through the unceasing support of divine grace.
Married life is, according to Saint John, an arena for the attainment of virtue and spiritual perfection, just as celibacy is. Both marriage and celibacy share the same wisdom and perspective. Even though marriage apparently came after the Fall, celibacy as a state is not superior simply because it is a pre-lapsarian state. The greatness of celibacy lies in the fact that it is a direct path to union with God. Christians should not focus on the difference between marriage and celibacy, but on a person’s spiritual state and their ‘philocalic’ endeavour in the spiritual work of loving God and their neighbour. This work of pursuing virtue, the work of growing ‘in the likeness of God’, is the essential yardstick. The search for the origin of marriage in the life of Paradise before the Fall demonstrates that marriage, as well as the creation of both Adam and Eve together as anthropos, was intended for spiritual perfection.
Married life is, according to St John, an arena for the acquisition of virtue and spiritual perfection, just as is celibacy. Both marriage and celibacy share the same wisdom and perspective.
Christians should not focus on the difference between marriage and celibacy, but on a person’s spiritual state and their ‘philocalic’ endeavour in the spiritual work of loving God and their neighbour. This pursuit of virtue is the essential yardstick.
Furthermore, Saint John Chrysostom considers that, for those living the monastic life, a lack of self-control is worse than adultery. For this reason, he emphasises that living as a celibate or a monk is a delicate way of relating to life, accessible only to those who are prepared for it. Thus, those who are not prepared for this delicate way of life are better suited to marriage, so as to avoid being controlled by passions 12. For him, both marriage and celibacy are honourable.
In the eschatological sense of marriage, chastity is the purity of soul and body. It applies to celibacy, but is not synonymous with it. It is an eschatological state for all. It is walking the narrow path that leads to the Kingdom of God, to true life in Christ, to the life of theosis or deification. It is a life permeated by the presence and mystery of God. On Mount Tabor, on either side of the transfigured and glorified Saviour Christ, appeared Moses, who was married, and Elijah, who was celibate. Their personal status was no impediment to their enjoying the glory of God, attaining a virtuous life and striving towards perfection or theosis. Saint Maximus the Confessor, a teacher of piety and holiness, explains that the presence of Moses and Elijah taught the disciples that both the mysteries of monasticism or celibacy and those of marriage are paths leading to Christ, and that both call for love of the divine glory 13.
Consequently, married men were not barred from being ordained to the priesthood. Indeed, the Orthodox Church has the same capacity to encourage monasticism and, at the same time, to bless marriage. However, most of today’s studies on Christian anthropology and marriage have drawn their sources from the writings of the Church Fathers and Christian writers such as Tertullian, Origen and Augustine, who appeared to denigrate women and were unable to associate marriage with a spiritual vision of a path to holiness. Instead, they extolled the virtues of virginity, arguing that physical intimacy within marriage represents a lower standard of moral living than virginity. In doing so, they denied the original eschatological fulfilment of marriage as a sacrament of love and sanctification in the Kingdom.
Even though the words of Christ the Saviour and the apostles in the New Testament encourage virginity as a path to freedom from the cares of this world, they refer to following a path of singular devotion to the Lord, for the sake of spiritual perfection (1 Corinthians 7). Nevertheless, as St John Chrysostom says: ‘Again, one through marriage, the other through celibacy. Abraham through marriage, the other through celibacy. Follow whichever you wish: for both lead to heaven’14 Chrysostom upholds both celibacy and marriage as honourable paths to salvation. He categorically refuses to accept any view of marriage as base 15. The presence of Christ the Saviour at the wedding at Cana in Galilee transformed the earthly and natural marriage between a man and a woman into a heavenly and sublime work, blessed by God and served by both the man and the woman, who are crowned with glory and honour.
The presence of Christ the Saviour at the wedding in Cana of Galilee transformed the earthly and natural marriage between a man and a woman into a heavenly and sublime work, blessed by God and served by both man and woman, who are crowned with glory and honour.
Those who do not embrace the monastic life are called to the same life of beauty, through the attainment of a spiritual marriage. It is interesting to note that Saint John Chrysostom, commenting on the words of Saint Paul the Apostle in 2 Corinthians 11:2, speaks of virginity not as a physical, bodily state, but as a spiritual state of the soul. Chastity is the norm and the path that radiates with its own beauty. The Lord has promised this beauty to those who have pure souls (and not specifically to single or married people).
St John Chrysostom states that the issue in life does not lie in marriage or chastity, but in pleasing God by living a life of holiness and virtue. Thus, he emphasises the virtue of prudence, soundness of mind or self-control (σωφροσύνη) with regard to sensual desires, for this virtue is pleasing to God, whether in marriage or in monastic life 16.
Consolation
How does one attain consolation or comfort in marriage? Is it through the birth of children? In the Old Testament, people saw the continuation of their lives through the birth of children and were comforted in their death 17. Thus, in ancient times, having children was considered the main source of consolation in marriage, as people did not know of the Resurrection. They saw only the signs of it and did not yet have a clear and certain understanding of it. This is confirmed by the lives of virtuous men, such as Abraham and Job, who had large families. Now that the Sun of the Resurrection has risen, this purpose is no longer the primary one. St John Chrysostom adds that, now that the earth has been filled with human beings, people should yearn more for spiritual birth than for natural procreation. After Christ’s Resurrection, death has been overthrown. Consequently, the birth of children and all the paternal and maternal expectations associated with it are no longer of primary importance or a source of consolation: ‘Consolation now lies in the anticipation of one’s own resurrection and of the inheritance of God’s Heavenly Kingdom, which requires self-restraint and virtue’18). This position, expressed uniquely by Saint John Chrysostom, illustrates the Christian’s eschatological view of marriage. Thus, the purpose of Christian marriage is more about living a life of moral perfection and spiritual growth and less about procreation and the continuation of one’s lineage. The birth of children is not a remedy for death, but for the spiritual decline that besets humankind. Procreation reveals God’s power and His own will, as is evident from His commandment. Thus, children are seen as the great gift bestowed by the Lord, and parents must be highly responsible in nurturing this gift with care. For this reason, the emphasis is placed on raising children on the basis of the living heritage of faith, passed down from generation to generation. This upbringing of children leads to the so-called birth of children who belong to God the Father, living their lives in Christ under their Mother Church 19. He reiterates that this work of spiritual formation of the personality and education of the mind is the greatest art in itself 20. Educating children in this way strengthens family bonds.
St John Chrysostom emphasises the role of the wife as a spiritual support, participating alongside her husband in the pious work on the path to salvation. His words on the wife’s role as a co-leader in the family come as no surprise in Christian thought.
Holy Scripture mentions certain married couples who were childless and did not become parents. Only the power of the Word of God, and not that of the flesh or human means, was able to console them through divine grace, causing the barren to bear fruit, as in the case of the birth of Isaac to Abraham and Sarah. God’s grace is the sole comfort and consolation for both the husband and his wife as they face together the painful challenges and grave temptations of life. Neither the procreation of children nor physical intimacy in itself i21e. As Saint Paul the Apostle explains, having children leads to salvation if the husband and wife ‘persevere in faith, love and holiness, with self-control’ (1 Timothy 2:15). This is a cornerstone of the teaching on marriage.
Participation
Contrary to the cultural prejudices of his time and its domineering patriarchal spirit, Saint John Chrysostom emphasises the wife’s role as a spiritual support, participating alongside her husband in the godly work on the path to salvation. His words on the wife’s role as a co-leader in the family come as no surprise in Christian thought. God has granted this saint the gift of understanding the depths of the human soul and of knowing how to open up those depths to the joy of salvation. It is true that in 1 Corinthians 11:3, the man is the head of his wife: ‘But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and Christ is the head of the man.’ However, the statement that the man is the head does not mean that there is no effective relationship between the head and the neck. In fact, the head and the neck function together as a single mechanism. Without the neck, the head cannot turn towards its desires. Furthermore, whatever the head thinks affects the neck. Although the husband (the head) and the wife (the neck) are different, there is an ontological relationship of unity between them. This mechanism breaks down immediately if there is no mutual and shared harmony within it. Thus, the neck helps the head to turn towards what is good and honourable. Furthermore, it resists the head turning towards what is harmful and detestable. Thus, marriage is a bond (δεσμός) ordained by God, a common yoke under God, a synergy and a sharing of life (συμβίωσης) on the path to eternal life. Even though this image might be interpreted negatively by modern feminist thought, Saint John Chrysostom sees it as an instrument of salvation, provided it is maintained in Christ.
From this perspective, Saint John Chrysostom emphasises that the wife is the most important counsellor in her husband’s life, more so than his friends and teachers, as follows: ‘Nothing is more powerful than a pious and sensitive woman in bringing her husband into the proper order [or rhythm] and shaping his soul as she wishes. For he will not listen to his friends, or his teacher, or his leaders, as much as he does to his partner who advises and guides him, because advice brings with it certain pleasures, since the one who gives the advice is deeply loved 22.
For example, many wives complain that their husbands do not like to ask for advice, even though they may have no idea of the best way to reach their destination. It is the role of the wife, who is by his side, to offer some guidance. Even though a man may try to resist his wife’s advice, preferring to learn as he goes along, he eventually comes to greatly appreciate his wife’s role. The progression of the marital relationship reaches a point of harmony and leads the couple to recognise each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Often, the couple end up discussing their options before finally arriving at a peaceful solution. This dynamic reciprocity of trust begins with setting aside time for these personal conversations and intimate discussions.
This unity between husband and wife is not a merger, although both share the same human nature. Unity refers to establishing a holistic relationship that bears the hallmark of the peaceful and undivided harmony of love. It is the unity of the man, the guardian of the law of truth (Malachi 2:6), with the woman who has the law of love in her words (Proverbs 31:26): a unity of truth and love, of justice and mercy, of law and forgiveness. This brings us back to the original, unified relationship between Adam and Eve in Genesis I and II. Saint Porphyry speaks of Genesis 2:23 as expressing this great mystery of unity with God: ‘This is the greatest mystery of our Church: that we all become one in God… This is the Church. This is the Orthodox faith. This is Heaven’23
Conclusion
Marriage is a sacrament, a path to healing and a means of spiritual perfection. St John Chrysostom explains that God instituted marriage so that people might have self-restraint in their relationships, comfort in their lives and fellowship, becoming one body in Christ. Their shared desire must be directed towards self-restraint. All desires and impulses, if directed and guided by moderation, become a source of comfort and joy. If desires are left unchecked and unrestrained, they distort the person in an unnatural way.
St John Chrysostom’s view of marriage as a form of defence against temptation is essential. This marital relationship is more than a remedy or a concession to lust; rather, it is a path to consolation through a process of overcoming human frailty. It is a means of being healed inwardly in order to reach God for the sake of one’s own salvation. Thus, it has a Christ-centred application and a transfiguring purpose in Christ. Marriage enables both husband and wife to grow in the likeness of Christ’s sacrificial love, rather than in the likeness of the fallen, utilitarian, individualistic or selfish world.
Three conclusions can be drawn from this examination of the teachings of Saint John Chrysostom. Firstly, the fact that the purpose of chastity is divine love. Secondly, procreation is not the primary purpose of marriage. Rather, the purpose of marriage is to be renewed in Christ and to present Christ to the world. For this reason, it is a path to spiritual perfection on the journey towards becoming a ‘new creation’ in Christ, in which true comfort is found. Thirdly, complementarity in the roles of husband and wife, and in particular the wife’s role as her husband’s counsellor, brings a sense of fulfilment to the husband and joy to married life.
Drawing on this moderate, comforting vision and the dimension of participation, the marital relationship is grounded in God’s wisdom and care for humankind. It is a path to healing the wounds of the Fall, leading to unity with the Creator. It is the work of divine oikonomia for the salvation of humankind, or God’s caring love for humanity. Marital relationships are a means of attaining deification. Consequently, the purpose of marriage goes beyond any sociological understanding of relationships and psychological factors. It is a matter concerning human salvation. In this sense, marriage is a Passover from a fallen life of painful relational conflicts and socio-political strife to a life full of joy, healing and integrity. In this sense, marriage is truly ‘a journey, an ascent towards the perfection of Heaven’24).
Marriage is a sacrament, a path to healing and a means of spiritual perfection. This conjugal relationship is more than a remedy or a concession to desires; rather, it is a path to consolation through a process of overcoming human frailty.
A couple who have entered into marriage with this vision stand in silence early one morning at the start of winter. From the balcony of their home, they look into each other’s eyes, breathing deeply as they watch the yellow leaves of the trees fall to the ground and flutter in the wind. In a state of complete and mysterious awareness, they know each other’s thoughts and expectations and comfort one another with an embrace that reaches deep into their souls, in utter serenity. They are friends of God; they are comforted by His salvation, whilst awaiting the crowns of holiness which will be bestowed upon them by Christ the King at His joyful Second Coming.
- 1
‘On 1 Corinthians’, Homily 26, Patrologia Graeca 61:223B.
- 2
See Chrysostom’s Homily 20, ‘On Ephesians’, and Homily 12, ‘On Colossians’.
- 3
‘On 1 Corinthians’, Homily 26, Patrologia Graeca 61:239.
- 4
‘On the Avoidance of Fornication.’ Patrologia Graeca 51:213.
- 5
‘On the Epistle to the Hebrews’, Homily 7. Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers. Series 1, vol. 14, edited by Philip Schaff and Henry Wace (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1905), 402. Patrologia Graeca 63:68.
- 6
‘On Colossians’, Patrologia Graeca 62:386.
- 7
‘On Titus’, Homily 3. Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers. Series 1, vol. 13, p. 531; Patrologia Graeca 62:682C.
- 8
‘On Matthew’, Homily 86. Patrologia Graeca 58:768.
- 9
‘On 1 Corinthians’, Homily 19. Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers. Series 1, vol. 12, edited by Philip Schaff and Henry Wace (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), 105; Patrologia Graeca 61:152.
- 10
Fr Vasileos Thermos analysed the ascetic practice of self-mortification using a critical analogy drawn from David Winnicott and Saint Gregory Palamas. He highlighted the need to transform human desires and cravings, rather than repressing or dissociating from them, a process which leads to the construction of a persona, which he terms the ‘false self’, which ultimately loses all desire, particularly the desire for union with God. (In Search of the Person; True and False Self According to Donald Winnicott and St Gregory Palamas, Montreal, Canada: Alexander Press, 2002, pp. 5–24.)
- 11
Stanley Harakas, Toward Transfigured Life: The Theoria of Eastern Orthodox Ethics, Minneapolis: Light and Life Publishing, 1983, p. 250.
- 12
On Virginity, Against Remarriage. Studies in Women and Religion, vol. 9, translated by Sally Rieger Shore, New York: Edwin Mellen Press, 1983, pp. 27–28; On Virginity. Sources Chrétiennes, no. 125, edited by Herbert Musurillo, Paris: Editions du Cerf, 1966, p. 202.
- 13
Saint Maximus the Confessor, Ambiguum 10.31; Patrologia Graeca 91:1161D.
- 14
‘On Philippians’, Homily 12. Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers. Series 1, vol. 13, p. 240; Patrologia Graeca 62:274.
- 15
On Virginity. Sources Chrétiennes, no. 125, 173.
- 16
“On Hebrews”, Homily 28. Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers. Series 1, vol. 14, p. 498; Patrologia Graeca 63:227D–228A.
- 17
Homily 38. Homilies on Genesis. Fathers of the Church, translated by Robert C. Hill, Washington: Catholic University of America Press, vol. 74, 2010; vol. 82, 2001, 355–8; Patrologia Graeca 53:356–358.
- 18
Homily 38, Homilies on Genesis. Fathers of the Church, 355–6; Patrologia Graeca 53:356–357.
- 19
‘On Romans’, Patrologia Graeca 60: 453.
- 20
“On 1 Thessalonians 6.” Patrologia Graeca 62:433; “On Romans,” Patrologia Graeca 60:67.
- 21
Homily 56. Homilies on Genesis. Fathers of the Church, 124; Patrologia Graeca 54:489.
- 22
“On John,” Homily 61. Patrologia Graeca 59: 373.
- 23
Saint Porphyrios Kavsokalivi, Wounded by Love: The Life and Wisdom of Saint Porphyrios, Denise Harvey: Limni, 2005, p. 180.
- 24
Archimandrite Emilianos of Simonopetra, The Way of the Spirit: Reflections on Life in God, Athens, Greece: Indiktos, 2009, p. 355.